Just Words

Dru commented yesterday that the things I blog about tend to reflect a sad me. Haha..I read back and figured he's right; I seem to be sad at best and distraught at the worst. Well, its not intentional that's for sure. Maybe I should put a rating on some of these posts, some of them are quite disturbing to young, growing minds. It's just that I tend to write more and better when I feel (doesn't everyone?). Even right now, writing this post is helping me to sort things out in my head. It's as if articulating thoughts and feelings make them seem smaller, and less consuming; easier to deal with in a way. Its a sort of an outlet where words, although badly inadequate to express emotion and thought, just make it to the mark where sanity and clarity can be achieved and maintained. Well that's for me, I don't know about other people. But I do hope everyone has such an outlet, no matter what form, for we all need one. To say otherwise is a deep lack of self-awareness.

Right now I am feeling..a tug. An insistent tug at my heart when regret and uncertainty knocks. A forward mouth articulating an unsure heart is a potent mix for regret that I must suffer after. I never thought I could make the same mistake three times. Two shots of Johnny Walkers couldn't wash it down, but it only did make my heart sober and clear - I did not mean what I said. A clear and simple revelation that carries the weight of guilt and stupidity. I only fear it is too late a realization. This echos of Lear; a storm is surging in my mind, and redemption only by Death. Perhaps a certain amount of hubris brought me thus, and my great pride must be wrecked to the very last rubble before I have the courage to step out and do what redemption needs. I do want to make amends, ever so badly.

My comfort lies in Him, the only certainty I have in an uncertain world. The church is my hovel in the storm, and there I can find myself. My cellgroup is still wavering, but I do not believe that faith and perseverance will see nothing returned. But I am only one man, and no church is about one man, save for the Son, for it is not meant to be. I do not doubt that we have the capacity overcome, for He had spoken to me; that these trails are not meant to just cut our knees, to draw deep blood and leave scars. We are given the choice.

Meanwhile,

I pray.
_______________________________

"There's so many times I've let you down,
So many times I've played around,
I tell you now, they don't mean a thing.
Every place I go, I'll think of you,
Every song I sing, I'll sing for you,
When I come back, I'll wear your wedding ring."

- Leaving on a Jet Plane by various artistes.